Orphan Black Finale Theory Round-up

The Orphan Black season two finale aired last week and I can already feel the gaping hole it’s left in my heart. To those not watching the greatest show on TV right now, here’s what you need to know: Sarah Manning finds out she’s a clone, and along with her clone sisters, takes on the people that created them and hide the truth from them. That is the simplest way to describe the sprawling, intense, and ambitious epic that is Orphan Black. 

Basically, if you’re not watching it, stop reading this, go watch seasons one and two, and then come right back here.

For those of you that do watch and maybe haven’t seen the season finale, here is the mandatory SPOILER ALERT!

Alright. WOW. Am I right? Wow.

The season two finale left as many cliffhangers as anyone could imagine. I’m not even sure where to start so I’ll work my way backwards. There are male clones, and creeper Prolethean Mark is one of them. Helena has been carted off god knows where by the army. Cosima found Duncan’s synthetic sequence that could hold the key to her survival. Duncan killed himself so as to protect his sequence and take himself out of assisting Rachel. Rachel got stabbed in the eye with a pencil (I never want to watch that scene again). And Sarah gave herself up to the Dyad, rescued Kira, and they both escaped. Also hot Cal came back. 

And that’s just the highlights! The second after the season two finale aired, the internet was already abuzz with theories surrounding these theories. Here’s a re-cap of these theories. 

Project Castor is Breeding Male Warriors

In the final moments of the episode, Marian Bowles reveals to Sarah that a male clone is locked in her basement. We see a ripped physique descend from a workout machine, and we watch Sarah’s face as she realizes she knows this man. Suddenly, we watch as our creepy Prolethean couple Gracie (pregnant with her father’s child) and Mark, her emotionless and sinister fiance, wed. Then, we see Helena marched onto an army plane, surrounded by soldiers. As she walks past the uniforms, one man turns towards the camera. It’s Mark. When we’re brought back to Sarah, the camera finally turns and at least we see the man she knows: it’s Mark! 

Because this is Orphan Black, we know they’re not all Mark but simply three clones of the same man. So who are they? My theory: the army is breeding male clones as disposable warriors. If we take Mark (Male Clone #1) as a prototype, these are super soldiers created to fight with little emotion and personality. These soldiers are instead motivated by their cause, just as Mark was dedicated to finding Helena. These boys are given a task and they deliver, plain and simple. I’m confident, however, that just like Project Leda, Project Castor discovered some flaws in their male clones. This brings me to my next theory…

The Project Castor Clones are Crazy

…They’re psychopaths. We saw it in Mark’s creepy personality and devotion to the Proletheans and his new wife Gracie, and we saw it in the eyes the moment we met Male Clone #3, these boys are all just a little bit off their rockers. This likely has large implications for all of Project Castor, and it is likely the reason that Paul was even meddling in Project Leda at all. He wants answers, and he thinks he solved this problems when he realized what Kira and her genes/bone marrow are capable of doing.

Project Castor Kidnapped Helena to Experiment on Her

Our dear Helena (what a season transformation, am I right??) was kidnapped in the final moments of the episode, off to god knows where. All we know for sure is that Paul, Male Clone #2, and Project Castor were involved. My theory: Project Castor and the male clones kidnapped her to experiment on her. If Prolethean Mark is involved in Project Castor, then they definitely know that she’s pregnant and they likely want her offspring just as much as Dyad. They know that the Lyda offspring can essentially cure the clones, and just like Rachel and good old Leekie (RIP), they want those genes to cure their own clones.

Kira and Helena’s Unborn Babies Play A Big Role

If you know the story of Castor (let’s all admit, we wikipedia’d it immediately after the show aired), then you know that Castor and his twin brother Pollux are the twin children of Leda and Zeus. Sarah and her sisters are all a part of Project Leda, and Mark and his brothers are part of Project Castor, meaning that Project Castor stemmed directly from Leda. This implies that the Dyad Institute and the military are looking to create a Project Pollux, a new line of clones that eliminate the flaws of Leda and pair them with the positive habits of the Castor clones, resulting in a Pollux. We’ve seen that Sarah’s daughter Kira has the power to essentially heal the Leda clones’ flaws, so she may very well hold the key to the next line of clones.

Season Three Is About to Get Political

When you have the military involved, how can it not be? Season three will heavily feature the army and Project Castor, meaning that there will likely be some political players heavily involved. In the finale, hottie hacker boyfriend-daddy Cal showed us the Dyad web, illustrating how far the Dyad and their webs can reach. If you looked closely, we saw a few senators and political group. This quick glimpse was no accident; this was a brief look into the future seasons to see just how far Sarah and the clones will have to go to dismantle the Dyad and protect their own lives. 

Who the Hell is Felix

Ok this is not a theory, but it’s a question that I’ve had since season one, episode one. We know how Sarah ended up in Mrs. S’s care all those years ago, but how did Felix end up there? Could he be involved? My friend thinks the showrunners are saving this road for later. All I know is that my heart simply couldn’t handle an evil Felix, so please, Graeme Manson and John Fawcett, if you’re reading this, please don’t hurt my precious Felix.

And thus, we must wait for nearly 10 more months to see where Orphan Black takes us next. In the meantime, I’m probably just going to re-watch seasons one and two over and over again and convince people to start watching the show. Who’s with me?

The Nerdy Girl Goes Back to Basics

Hello loyal followers, friends, readers, and people who somehow have stumbled upon this page,

Welcome one, welcome all! 

I’m now a year and four months into this lovely blog and first and foremost, I would like to thank everyone for reading. I truly appreciate it. This blog is my reprieve and my passion and I’m so glad that there are people out there in the great interweb who share my interests and find some truth or resonance in what I have to say.

You may have noticed that I do not get to post that often. I wish this were not the case, but work is a little life-consuming. With this said, I’ve decided to return to my original intentions with this blog: “this site serves all women by providing weekly columns, news, images, interviews, reviews, and guest posts.” Unfortunately, life and work got in my way and parsed everything down to weekly columns and then to bi-monthly columns. 

It’s time to fix this! I’m hoping to update this blog multiple times a week with, well, anything! Star Wars VII casting came and went and I didn’t even comment about it here. This will never happen again. This spot is for news, other articles, and, of course, my personal take on the latest, greatest, and most controversial insights from the nerd world. I hope you all continue reading as I share more exciting and hopefully interesting updates. As always, please comment and share on everything I post or reach me at thenerdygirlblog@gmail.com. 

LLAP,

Nerdy Girl

Clone Club Re-Cap: The Scoop On Every Orphan Black Clone

Orphan Black finally arrives back on BBC America tonight, April 19^th, and will hopefully start to answer some of the questions we’ve had for the past year. For those still not watching the best show on television, Orphan Black features Sarah Manning, a young mom with a troubled past who discovers that she’s a clone when she witnesses another version of herself jump in front of a train. Along with her foster brother Felix, Sarah takes on Beth’s life and starts to uncover the truth behind their history. This ultimately leads Sarah and her closest clones, Cosima and Allison, to the Dyad Institute, lead by Dr. Aldous Leekie and yet another clone, Rachel. Oh, and all these clones? They’re all played by the amazing Tatiana Maslany.

Which leads us to the never-ending Orphan Black question: how many clones are there? Let’s take a look at the clones we already know:

SARAH: Our main clone. Sarah was a rebellious British orphan who was once the foster child of Mrs. S (who we now know was a key scientist involved in her cloning process). After she witnesses her clone Beth’s suicide, Sarah takes on Beth’s life, including her police detective job with Beth’s partner Art. Sarah uses this position to get cover up details on her true clone intentions. She works with Alison and Cosima to uncover the truth behind their origins. She kills crazy-clone Helena, only to return home to find that her daugher, Kira, has been kidnapped. We can expect to see Sarah facing off with Rachel, searching for Kira, and figuring out Mrs. S’s history in season two.

BETH: A police detective who jumps to her death in a train station in the first five minutes of episode one. She was working with Cosima and Alison at the time of her death to figure out their origins. Though she seemed to know that she was being hunted, it is still unknown why she decided to end her life. She was also in a struggling relationship with the super-hot Paul (who it turns out was her monitor all along). Beth, we barely knew ya.

KATJA: The German clone. She sneaks up on Sarah in the backseat of her car but is quickly shot and killed by a sniper rifle. Before she’s shot, Katja tells Sarah that she was working with Beth to figure out who was killing the other clones in Europe. She also suffers from a respiratory condition that causes her to cough up blood and is likely fatal.

ALISON: Everyone’s favorite uptight housewife. Alison lives in the suburbs with her husband and two children where she coaches soccer and has her own arts and crafts room. She is secretly working with Cosima and Beth (and now Sarah) to figure out their history. Once she discovers that Paul was Beth’s monitor, Alison becomes obsessed with finding her own monitor. Alison believes it to be her husband, Donnie, but once he throws her off his trail, she becomes convinced that its her friend/fellow housewife, Aynsley. She then strangles Aynsley with a scarf in Aynsley’s own compacter. Quite a scene, let me tell you. In season two we’ll find Alison feeling pretty guilty over this Aynsley situation, once again suspicious of Donnie, and discovering quickly that she is Dyad property.

COSIMA: The brainy/hippie clone. Cosima is a PhD candidate at the University of Minnesota where she studies evolutionary biology, but mostly she’s studying the science behind her and her sisters. Cosima begins dating another student, Delphine, discovers she’s her monitor, dumps her, and then get back together to take on Delphine’s boss, Dr. Leekie. At the end of season one, Cosima begins coughing up blood, the first sign of Katja’s respiratory disease. She also discovers that her and her sisters were patented by the Dyad Institute, meaning they truly belong to Dr. Leekie. Season two will find the secretly sick sister searching for her own cure while discovering the inner workings of the Dyad Institute.

HELENA: The totally psycho assassin. After being raised in a Ukrainian convent, Helena begins killing her sisters as she believes that their cloning is wrong and sinful. She believes she is the original. She is incredibly unstable and disturbed. She realizes that she and Sarah are actually twins and feels they share this connection. After she kills their birth mother, Sarah kills her.

RACHEL: The Neolutionist clone; Rachel works for the enemy, the Neolutionists (meaning that she believes in evolution through cloning) and the Dyad Institute. She and Sarah meet in the final episodes of season one when Sarah tries to uncover more information, leading her straight to Rachel and the Institute. Little is known about Rachel, but the first few trailers for season two include a lot more of her.

JENNIFER: The new clone!

Entertainment Weekly has recently released photos and a clip of this newbie (http://insidetv.ew.com/2014/03/13/orphan-black-new-clone-jennifer-fitzsimmons/). Told through medical video journals, Jennifer is a midwestern school teacher who has the same respiratory condition as Katja and Cosima. The healthy Jennifer video is juxtaposed with a very sickly Jennifer, attached to a drip, and sadly angry and suffering. The trailer includes what appears to be a very dead Jennifer.

While these are the six (now seven) key clones, Cosima discovers that there were at least three other clones who Helena killed.

So again, we ask: how many clones are there? We’ll have to wait a few more weeks to find out, but my theory is that there are likely a few more, but not too many more. The Dyad Institute and Dr. Leekie must keep careful observation over each clone, providing them monitors and cautiously contained lives. If they exceed say 20 clones, I don’t think they’re going to maintain the same level of care and control over each clone. Even if there are more clones beyond our main girls (Sarah, Cosima, Alison, and now Rachel), I don’t think they’ll take on a leading role. They’ll likely follow Beth and Katja’s leads; both characters provided their lives and various information, but ultimately have just supported Sarah, Cosima, and Alison’s work. From what we’ve seen, Jennifer fits this mold. She’s not about to join their Clone Club ranks, but she will be able to help them gather more information to piece together other parts of their very large, insane, and addicting story.

The Boys are Back: A Sherlock Review

I’ve been trying to write about the new series of Sherlock for a long time now. Before the series started, I had this feeling that I would get to write a super positive, warm, happy feelings review of Sherlock. Thus, I have been trying to avoid actually writing this review cause it’s not going to be what I expected. And so, here it is: I didn’t love it. 

I somehow feel disappointed in myself. The first two series of Sherlock were beyond amazing; they were inspired. Looking back, I should not have expected such a high standard from a show that had been on hiatus for two years. There is no way that Sherlock could have sustained it’s own power and ambitions after so many years. Then again, I could never have predicted the show it became: goofy, light, and dizzying. 

With all this said, I didn’t hate the third series. I liked it. But there is a noticeable absence in my heart for the show I once loved. Series three felt different, and while I understand why, I still don’t like it. 
 

My thoughts on the three episodes are jumbled:
 

“The Empty Hearse” made our human and flawed Sherlock into a superhero. He returns to England after essentially living a Bond-esque life abroad, fighting the foreign baddies. He sweeps back into his city first with a view over the rooftops (very literally a scene from Bond’s Skyfall) and with a sweet but silly re-appearance in John’s life. The rest of the episode continued to spotlight Sherlock as some sort of action star – he’s on a motorcycle! He’s saving John! He’s dismantling a bomb! He saves London! I honestly felt like I didn’t know this version of Sherlock. 

Granted, there were some truly stunning moments in this episode. First and foremost, I LOVE that we still technically don’t know what happened. The three versions we get (the spring rope and the epic hair shake/Molly kiss, the amazingly homoerotic moment between Moriarity and Sherlock, and then Sherlock’s own recount of the Lazarus deal) were all brilliant, entertaining, and fan-coma-inducing (this should be a word – Tumblr, get on that). But as Anderson quickly points out, even Sherlock’s own version of the event doesn’t fully pan out. And thus, it is still unresolved. But as John points out, it doesn’t really matter how he did it. He did it, it happened, and he’s back. 

Mary was a refreshing bit of air in this episode. Amanda Abbington truly did the impossible; she made Mary seem like she’s bit there all along and thus fits in perfectly. Benedict Cumberbatch’s own parents appeared in a lovely moment where we finally meet Sherlock’s own parents. Mycroft and Sherlock share a wonderful exchange over Operation and and an endearing deduction of a winter hat. 

Most of my problems with this season lie in “A Sign of Three.” This episode is light and charming but told almost entirely through uneven flashbacks that were, frankly, exhausting. The episode starts out wonderfully with an amazing scene centered around Lestrade. It sinks very quickly after that. Instead of building towards John and Mary’s wedding, we head straight there. Sherlock begins his speech (which was, as has already been detailed in many, many articles, totally brilliant, tear-jerking, and emotional) and from there we are taken to too many other points in one very long story. First up, we see have John asking Sherlock to be his best man (which, I admit, was fantastic and just right), then the Bloody Guardsmen tale (which features one of the worst and dizzying bits of editing I’ve ever seen in my life), then John’s Stag Night, and then Sherlock’s deduction of the Mayfly Man! Phew, exhausting. Oh yeah, and all of that is told via flashback at various points in Sherlock’s best man speech. 

Obviously, it didn’t work. There was no reason for the story to be told this way. Each story distracted from one another, and mostly just deteriorated Sherlock’s speech. Not only was it told ineffectively, but it also unraveled into an uninteresting resolution: the Mayfly Man was the photographer at the wedding and he was responsible for secretly killing the Guardsmen and he was after John’s old army lieutenant! There were many problems with this episode, but’s this army lieutenant that bothers me most. He comes out of nowhere, he’s the unassuming victim of this messy story, and he’s saved by Sherlock, Watson, and Mary. But here’s the thing: I don’t care about him. We barely even talk to him before we realize he’s dying and then miraculously saved. The episode was almost saved from some adorable Sherlock moments and the introduction of Jeanine, Mary’s maid of honor who was hilarious and actually appreciated Sherlock. 

At this point in the season, I was feeling very confused. These two episodes did not go together; there was no link or really any association between the two. Now, I have no problem with a show that features multiple storylines or various bad guys, but this literally felt like two episodes from two entirely different shows. “His Last Vow” both solved this disassociation and continued to pull the episodes apart, all at the same time! If “The Empty Hearse” was the thrill-seeking action episode, and “A Sign of Three” was the charming romantic thriller, then “His Last Vow” was the intense, non-stop drama.

 
I’m hesitant to say that I loved “His Last Vow,” but it was definitely my favorite of the three. This pulse-racing thriller centered around business man Charles Augustus Magnessen and blackmail tactics aimed at Mycroft Holmes. We also learn that Mary Morstan is not who she says she is: she’s a former assassin who’s just as infuriated with Magnussen as Sherlock. Throughout this episode, we’re lead to believe that Magnussen has an impressive vault filled with the world’s dirty laundry. Sherlock and Watson arrive at Magnussen’s home to get their own peak into this vault and to clear Mary’s name, only to discover that Magnussen’s vault is actually…….his own mind palace. While this is an interesting twist, in this specific instance, it just doesn’t hold up. We’re told at the beginning of the episode that Magnussen is essentially one of the most powerful men in the world because he can blackmail almost any person through their “pressure points” that he and only he knows. He claims that he doesn’t need evidence to bring someone down in print. But I would argue – yes, yes you do! Not only this, but we never actually see Magnussen bring someone down. This audience can’t fear him as Sherlock, Mary, and Watson do unless we actually see him at his worst. 

Despite all of this, Magnussen was still an interesting and memorable foe (most notably his ‘face flicking’ towards the end of the episode) who provided plenty of intriguing moments. Though much of this episode was focused on this baddie, the real star of “His Last Vow” was Miss Mary Watson. From the moment she shot Sherlock to her final wave as Sherlock’s one-way plane departed, Mary owned this episode. Her scenes with John were entrancing and emotional. To be honest, I wish this was one whole episode on it’s own. 

This season of Sherlock was pretty light on the deductions, but it turns out they were saving this for the final episode. When Mary shoots Sherlock, Sherlock quickly goes into his most intense deduction of his career in order to prevent his own death. What follows is the best ten minutes I’ve seen on television all year.  Everyone here gets their turn: Molly and Anderson push Sherlock towards survival, Mycroft sassily schools Sherlock at his own bullet status, and we finally learn about Redbeard. And then, of course, Sherlock makes it into his own vault as he very nears death: deep down in the basement of his subconscious, we find a straight-jacketed Moriarity. Deepset, crusty-eyed, batshit crazy Moriarity. Andrew Scott only appears for a grand total of three minutes, but he deserves every award in the book for it. His few lines are the stuff of nightmares. Suffice to say, Sherlock doesn’t die, but he should near death every episode because that was the most entertaining television one could ever ask for.

And then, lo and behold, we end with Moriarity. As Sherlock flies off to a likely death as a punishment for murdering Magnussen, Moriarity takes over every television in England to ask every British citizen “Did you miss me?” Yes, Moriarity, I did, but you died. I’m not sure where showrunners Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss are going to take series four, but there’s one thing I’m truly, truly hoping for: keep Moriarity dead. I loved his as much as anyone, but we watched him put a bullet through his head. He’s dead. His six episodes ended brilliantly and perfectly. So let’s keep him dead, shall we?

Okay, that was a lot. Clearly, I’ve got a lot of feelings on three ninety-minute episodes. But as Tumblr, Twitter, and every single entertainment publication under the sun has shown me, everyone else in the world has just as many feelings about these episodes as I do. With that said, please share your comments with me! I know that a lot of what I’ve said here isn’t exactly popular opinion, so please let me know what you think of these episodes, my view on said episodes, or even just how much you love Benedict Cumberbatch’s face (I love his face very, very much). 

RDJ and Benny Batch Finally Met

Hey all,

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve been very busy at work and have not had a lot of time to sleep, let alone write a blog post. I have, however, lost sleep watching the new season of Sherlock. Totally worth it! I’ll be posting about it soon (probably once it finishes airing in the US, don’t want to be the source of any spoilers!).

I’m interrupting my own work schedule to bring you the above photo. Robert Downey Jr and Benedict Cumberbatch FINALLY met at the Producer’s Guild Awards on January 19th. I’ve been waiting for this photo for years. Again, totally worth it. I hope we all spend our Monday evening’s pondering their discussion topics.

– Nerdy Girl

Is This the Most Beautiful Book Ever Published?

I would argue, absolutely, yes. 

Artist Allen Crawford has illustrated Walt Whitman’s classic “Song of Myself” in his new collection Whitman Illuminated: Song of Myself. Crawford has not only produced incredible and imaginative work, he has also given Whitman’s masterpiece an amazing new perspective. 

If you are like me, then you will immediately buy this book (here!) after just viewing these few sample images. If not, just enjoy these images and re-discover Whitman’s genius while newly discovering Crawford’s artistic brilliance. 

 

See more of Crawford’s version of Song of Myself and his other work here: http://www.planktonart.com/blog/2013/12/23/whitman-illuminated-has-arrived/

“Raggedy Man, Goodnight”

Thank you, Matt

Wonder Woman Will Fly Again

ALERT: We have Wonder Woman! I repeat, we finally have Wonder Woman!

Let’s talk about how much of a big deal this is. Wonder Woman first debuted in 1941 in All Star Comics #8. She was the brainchild of William Moulton Marston and Elizabeth Holloway Marston. The two psychologists wanted to create a superhero who used love AND brawn to fight the bad guys. Elizabeth brilliantly insisted that this superhero be a superheroine, making our girl Wonder Woman the very first female superhero. She got her own comic series in 1942. 

Since then, Wonder Woman has appeared in almost every form of media…except film. Until now, Diana Prince has never showed up in our cinemas. This has developed into a point of contention for many (me included) considering that almost every other super-successful superhero has graced the big screen (some have even appeared too many times…I’m looking at you, Superman). All of these superheroes are male. We have yet to see any female superhero have their own stand-alone film or franchise. Until now. 

Gal Gadot was just announced as Wonder Woman in Zach Snyder’s Batman vs. Superman film, the next feature in Warner Brothers and DC Comic’s Superman re-boot. At long, long last, our Wonder Woman is here….only to be put in a supporting role. It’s certainly a slight setback for many Wonder Woman fans, but it’s not altogether surprising. So here’s where I stand on this matter right now: 

1. WONDER WOMAN IS GOING TO BE IN A FILM….endless excitement
2. Frustration because she’s secondary to the boys club (they have yet to call it Batman vs. Superman vs. Wonder Woman, for a whole host of obvious reasons)
3. Trying patience because she might have a larger role than expected
4. More excitement because Wonder Woman is going to be in what will likely be a major success
5. Even MORE excitement because this could ultimately garner Diana Prince and Gal Gadot her own film (if they are attempting to rival Marvel’s cinematic universe plan)

Yes, Wonder Woman has mostly been written by men, and yes, she has had a difficult history heavily steeped in sexism and very little clothing, but she’s evolved. At this point, she is the strongest woman in the universe and an inspiring feminist and I’m excited to see what Warner Brother’s vision is for this. Despite some uneasiness, I’m going to choose to look at Gal Gadot’s casting and Wonder Woman’s inclusion as an empowering step in the right direction. I have never seen any of Gal Gadot’s work (which mostly includes the Fast and the Furious series) but I am excited for her. It’s the role of a lifetime, and I would like to support her rather than tear her down (as other bloggers have quickly done). So, bring on filming! This film has some problems to work out, but I’m so thrilled to see them moving forward. 

Review: What Happened to Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D?

It’s pretty clear that most of us were very excited for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Joss Whedon! Avengers! S.H.I.E.L.D! TV! Agent Coulson! So much awesomeness packed into one show, it almost couldn’t be true. After the first episode was screened at Comic-Con this past July, many were calling it the best new show of the whole season. There was so much hype and expectation.

And then it aired. It was nothing like what I imagined. I suppose I expected a masterful Whedon-esque combination of Avengers and Firefly: a team of misfits in a zany, challenging situation, forced to work together to survive and fight the baddies. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. does technically fit aspects of this concept. They are certainly misfits, their situations are challenging, and they fight some bad guys. So while it fits the Whedon requirements, it does not stand on the same legs. I was unimpressed with the cheesy pilot, but I hoped it would get better week after week. Which brings us to now: five weeks in, and just as disappointing as the pilot. 

I hoped Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. would be as sleek and powerful as Avengers, as engaging and bizarrely comedic as Firefly, as kick-ass and empowering as Buffy, and as offbeat and heartfelt as Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Instead, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is just…goofy. There were moments in the pilot where I honestly thought to myself, “God, I was Robert Downey Jr was here for this re-write.” So the first problem: Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg). Coulson was endearing in the Marvel film franchise because he was the only ordinary guy in the cast. He alone represented the American everyman, the business behind the party, the ringleader. His blandness was sweet and appreciated amongst a Norse God, a egotistical Iron-crazed billionaire, muscles incased in ice for seventy years, two leather-loving, neurotic assassins, and an explosive green monster. But on his own, around men and women just like him, Coulson barely stands out. Whedon and his team attempt to make Coulson a little less ordinary by shrouding his miraculous Jesus-like rising in mystery. Though he continually says that he repaired himself on a beach in Tahiti, the rest of the team allude to something much darker that even Coulson doesn’t know. What starts as an interesting plot point quickly becomes over-referenced and just plain tired. 

It seems that even Whedon and Co. recognized that Coulson is too boring to lead the show, so they bring in Skye (Chloe Bennet). Skye is introduced as the audience-surrogate. She’s a hacker who is essentially plucked from the back of her van/home and brought onto the S.H.I.E.L.D. team for her computer whiz skills. She is chatty, smart, and quick and guess what! She’s so unbelievably annoying that following her becomes grating and exhausting. We are often meant to sympathize with her, and we’re clearly meant to find her endearing, but she’s anything but. 

Like Skye, the rest of the team are one-dimensional and uninteresting. The only interesting character, Melinda May (Ming-Na Wen), the apparently kick-ass pilot with an intriguing S.H.I.E.L.D.-based history, is given little screen time, few lines, and has essentially no personality. These characters are little more than types: the quiet, rule-abiding muscular military man, the interchangeable neurotic scientists who mostly just bicker and spout made-up monster-fighting scientific knowledge (the two have absolutely no chemistry, by the way).

Perhaps Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. could have been redeemed itself if it was as polished and engaging as the Avengers, but instead the show is flat and static. It’s gimmicks are hardly entertaining and instead seem forced and mostly fake. At the end of the pilot, Agent Coulson drives off with Skye in a little red convertible that happens to fly. It was so silly that I actually laughed out loud. The team flies around the world in a clunky airbus that typically looks like it was pasted onto a standard blue sky background. The bad guys are almost always scientists-gone-wrong who’s wrong-doing ways are quickly solvable. The few that actually feature some sort of superpower are hilarious – their powers are not exactly ‘powers’ as they are sloppily-written enhancements. The special effects should never be called “special;” they’re trying and sloppy.

So, clearly there are a lot of problems here. I know I’ve been harsh in this review, but it’s mainly because I was very, very excited about the show’s prospects. I really wish this worked as a television show, I really do, but its ties to the Avengers will always leave me wanting more. The Avengers took two years to complete (and probably plus some). Each Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. episode is completed in a matter of months, maybe even weeks. Now I’m not saying that the superhero genre can’t make it on television (Arrow proves that it can every single week) but I think Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. proves that this sort of ambitious superhero pilot just doesn’t translate onto the small screen as it does on the big screen. Here’s hoping that Whedon is just putting all his creative energy into Avengers: Age of Ultron!

Superman vs. Batman: The Next Big-Budget Joke?

Justin Bieber gave me the scare of my life the other day. He posted the image above on his Instagram account. What seems like an obvious joke is complicated by the presence of a script. It’s the real script, people. Justin Bieber has the real script for the Superman vs. Batman flick… And then, of course, came the purest form of relief: it really was a hoax, part of a (truly brilliant) prank from Funny or Die. Justin Bieber will not be taking on the role of Robin. The world can resume spinning.  

As we continue to thank God every day that Biebs will not be destroying the beloved Robin, this prank still leads to something that has been on my mind recently: stunt casting. Perhaps the most horrifying part about the Bieber prank is that it didn’t totally surprise me. The Superman vs. Batman film has been struggling and I wouldn’t put stunt casting past them. Though they won’t admit it, Warner Brothers must be re-considering their audience. They lost fans from the poorly Man of Steel, they made skeptics of an entire audience with the Affleck casting, and they continue to be out-done by Marvel (see my past post about this). Warner Bros would likely argue that they have a market for this film regardless of these blunders, and perhaps they are right. But you know that they will consider every option to make their film desirable, even if that means reaching into an untapped market for their audience. That audience could very well be the teenage audience, and namely the teenage girl audience. Hence, Bieber.  

So, we can breathe a sigh of relief that that is not happening, but who’s to say that it won’t happen with another teenage idol or even another star with too much baggage to his or her name? The brilliance of the Funny or Die joke lies in the shaky grounds of the Warner Bros wannabe superhero juggernaut. Superman vs. Batman is already a joke that our entire culture can get behind. Snyder’s latest project has faced too much bad press and speculation and it’s barely in pre-production. His only shot to redeem his Man of Steel debut and the entire Warner Brothers/DC credibility is if he reveals a masterful second act: a Superman that does not kill and has a real story to tell, and a Batman that does not replace Christian Bale but instead forms a powerful alternate to a story we all know too well.  

Right now, a masterpiece does not seem very likely. While I wish studios would focus on building a strong story and an excellent film, I know better: they want box office money first, critical success second. And again, we are lead to stunt casting. There are few better ways to ensure box office success than combining a big budget superhero flick with a high-earning star. This is why Bieber’s prank is both hilarious and saddening: we know the nature of the industry too well to view it as an immediate joke. This is exactly the sort of terrible move that a studio with an unpredictable big-budget film would make simply to gain viewers and ensure financial success. 

More and more, we’re seeing big-budget films that seem to be on a fast track to top spot opening weekends are actually missing their mark by serious degrees. We’ve got The Green Lantern, The Green Hornet, After Earth, Elysium, The Lone Ranger, The Mortal Instruments, and many more. These films all hit the right notes with their subject, but they are late additions to stacked categories. We’ve seen all of films before. Studios forget that originality can get you somewhere, and thus we are subjected to formulaic productions that we have seen time and time again. Superman vs. Batman is following this equation a little too closely for most fans liking. By placing Batman into the mix, they are very literally pulling the formula from one film to another. Though I’m hoping for an intriguing story, I already know that nothing I see will surprise me. It’s going to follow the same linear progression of every big-budget film we’ll see in 2014 and 2015. By the time its released, we’re going to be exhausted by this mold. 

I know that my arguments here are a little all over the place, but what I’m ultimately trying to suggest is that Snyder and Warner Brothers need to be incredibly careful as they move further into production. Though stunt casting might seem like a great way to ensure an audience, don’t do it. Though formulaic mega-movies might seem to guarantee box office success, look at some recent flops and don’t assume that your Superman and Batman film will not apply to these errors. This film is already on the fast track to Green Lantern-type mockery. Many are expecting the worst. I’m willing to give them a chance, but every step from here on out will be severely judged by die-hard comic fans and non-interested TV viewers and tweeters. Everyone has an opinion of this film, and it’s up to Snyder and the studio to spin that into positive favor. Both Superman and Batman have the most incredible legacies and Warner Brothers must honor that.